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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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I can't tell if I'm happy that I seem to spend time with people to which death isn't the end, or disturbed.
Then I wonder if I should be more disturbed that they keep getting ressurected, or that they keep dying. I can't tell. I think I need a day or two here to clear my head.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  crappy. |
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Seeing Lorne was alright. He told me that I need to have a talk with her, which I knew already, but probably still had to hear. Something's going down, I just haven't been told what. I've heard what, but no one's asked me to join in, and I'm thinking there's reasons for that. Not very happy about people going into the belly of the beast without me, but maybe I'll be asked to go along at the last minute.
Other than that, I think it's time someone talked to Kennedy. I've been the one bringing her water and such(since no one else wants to). I haven't been being mean or anything. I trust Willow's judgement. Still. I'm not happy about her vendettah against Faith, but I wouldn't let anything happen to her. (Even if I am confused and hurt right now)
I'm not sure anyone's just tried to talk to Kennedy yet though. So I'll give that a shot. Worst that could happen is she doesn't.
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Friday, August 26th, 2005
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So I'm just the only one she hasn't fucked yet.
I need a drink.
[open for Lorne]
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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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Well, I know that I have to get Faith to Lorne's, since she agree to do it, but I'm giving her a little while before I press the issue. Instead I'm going to help out Wes and company with some research, see how they're all doing. I wanted to talk to Wes anyway. I know he and Angel are doing better, so that's good. I'd like to catch up and see how he's doing otherwise, and if there's anything specific I can do to help.
[open for wes]
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So, tracking the girl isn't going that well. She was picked up by a blonde, and as far as I can tell, taken back to Wolfram and Hart. I didn't go waltzing into enemy territory alone to be positive, though. I'm stealthy, but I figure they have measures against that, especially since they seem to know that I'm around. I hit Lorne's again, and will again soon for a less social visit. See if he can't point me in the right direction.
I want to ask Faith to come with me, maybe sing for him too, though I'm not sure she would. Things are feeling twitchy there, I'm going to have to watch her closely. She just got herself out of a bad place, I don't want her dropping right back into it.
Angel seems to be taking the implication of something going on between Faith and I alright. It's tense, but not as tense as it could be. I'm also glad that things between he and Wes seem to be evening out. Maybe normality can be achieved soon.
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Things are sort of interesting around here lately. Angel took off for Sunnydale again. I think he had a talk with Faith, she seems a little better off than before. Which is good, since she's doing well anyway. Wes has been avoiding him. I get why. I've been trying to be around, giving little bits of help to he and Fred. Generally speaking being useful if quiet. I don't really have much to add to the situation besides to be around. Cordy still isn't back, and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with the sort of tension around. I've been trying to talk with Melaka. Feel a little bad about what happened with her. Displaced in time and stuck here...scared in a hotel room. That's really got to be a kick to the teeth. I think Faith's been getting spending time with her, anyway, or trying to. That's good. Maybe they'll get along. So basically I'm just here. Trying to be helpful. Wonder if it's doing anything.
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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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| Time: | 3:18 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. |
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Angel's back in town. And, unsurprisingly, he immediately went to lock himself in his room to brood. I let him do that for a little while before going in to talk to him. He can't brood forever, there's a city out there that needs him, not to mention his friends. Particularly now that everthing to do with Gunn has come to light. We had a talk. I get the impression he's displeased with Faith and I. Not that I'm entirely sure there's an 'us' to be displeased with. He didn't ask. I didn't tell. We're like the military. So much not being said around here. He said something else, too...not sure what he meant by it. It's sort of bothering me but I figure I'll find out eventually. I told him where Faith was. I got another letter from her. Well, email. She sounds like she's doing alright, though I wanted her to get rest, so I put it to her in the form of a challenge. She's just the type that would do it just to prove she could--if it was in question. So I put in question. She says she misses me. I miss her, in a strange way. I worry. I hope she's actually doing what she's meant to on this little side trip. I hope she comes home less messy headed.
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Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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So being back in L.A., helping out is interesting. You've got Nabbit, who's...an interesting fellow. Not entirely sure how to take him. In theory he's got smarts, he's a millionaire, but sometimes I wonder if he's got the sense to come in out of the rain so to speak. But I think he means well all in all, and so he's alright. Just a bit of a spaz, I guess. (and it's not as if I haven't dealt with that before, though Willow's spazzing was cute.)
Also met Wood, who's been helping out. He seems a decent sort. I think we'll get along fine. Can tell Spike doesn't have any love for the man though. But then that's Spike, really. I'm not sure Spike likes many people in general. But blondie's also been fine with me, so I'm not complaining. It's surprising, seeing the vampire like this. Makes a nice change. So things are going alright here in L.A. again. I wonder how Faith's doing on her little sabbatical.
I've tried to be a level head around here, when people get bitchy. Usually logic helps. 'By the way if you've got things to crab about, let's not do it when we're on Patrol. Demons love a bickering couple.'. Don't think they appreciated the 'couple' comment, but I think they got the point, too.
All in all things are alright here. A little strange, but not bad at all.
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So I got an email from Spike...didn't know the guy could even use a computer, let alone send email, but low and behold, I got one. Sounds like he's cool with me coming back if not wanting me to, so that's where I headed. I said goodbye to everyone, Cordy said that she thought it was a good idea for me to get back there. She's going to wait a little bit longer, see if she can help pinpoint the others in time to get them back, and I think she doesn't want to leave Fred here without anyone else from our crew. Faith's I guess takin my advice and taking a breather. I hope she can get her head cleared while she does. I gave her some money and told her where I'd be. I said goodbye to everyone else, passed along Spike's wishes of good luck, and told them I figured they'd have everyone back soon. Hopefully they will.
L.A. here I come.
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| Time: | 3:31 am. |
| Mood: | contemplative. |
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We got some more of the missing back. Buffy, Anya and Cordy. I was the one who took Cordy aside and told her about Gunn. We went for a walk and I told her. I wasn't sure what to expect from her. First she was sort of shocked, then angry, then she cried. I don't think I've ever actually seen Cordy cry before. It was a little unnerving. I did my best to be a comfort, but Cordy's not really the type that takes it very well. We wound up sitting at the little playground for a while and she had her head on my shoulder. We didn't talk much after that. Then we went back, and she went inside, and I stayed outside. I hope she's going to be alright. I guess if I expected anyone to be alright it'd be Cordy, but still. I'm still thrown by the crying. Then there's avoiding Willow. I still don't know what to say to her. I've been hovering around the edges of everyone here. I talked to Faith again, too. Suggested she take a bit of a break. I think her main problem is she doesn't know how to be herself. I think she's been playing a part for so long that she lost how to not play pretend 24-7. I don't know if she'll take the advice or not. I hope she does, though, it would be good for her.
Other than that I'm thinking about going back to L.A. Helping Spike out. Since Buffy's back here, and Willow, that leaves this place pretty well covered, but I'm not so sure L.A. is. I called and left a message for Spike, telling him to call me back with a heads up on the sitch there.
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| Time: | 7:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  determined. |
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Willow's back...I haven't gotten to talk to her and I'm not going to push any type of talk. I'm letting her and Tara have their time right now. It makes me feel a lot better that she's back, though, I can't deny that. Though she brought news of Gunn...aparently he died. I don't know how to feel about it all myself, I didn't know him that well but he was a good guy, that was obvioius. I liked him. The world's gonna be a less cool place without him in it, and less safe, too.
Gunn...You'll be missed, man.
I talked to Fred about Gunn's death...tried my best to comfort her. She's strong, but I know the missing husband thing and the death of a friend is waring on her. She mentioned a book she might be able to get us more information with but it's in L.A. I told her I'd get Faith to bring her to get it. I could bring her, but I think Faith needs a breather anyways so they both might as well get the hell out of Sunnydale for a few hours. It'll do them good. Course now I have to find Faith. Granted, I sort of always have an idea where she is if I don't know exactly. I'll go hunt her down so she and Fred can get going.
still haven't talked any more about anything between us, and she's still incredibly off. I hope this helps her.
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I killed someone. I did it so they didn't hurt Faith. Or kill her, or whatever he came with someone else to try to take her out. Real morons. Now one's a dead moron. I ripped his throat out. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm not sure what I feel about it, is more accurate, let alone how I should be feeling. I've been shadowing it again. Not around a lot. I don't think the others know about it, just Faith, and the body was gone by the time we got back, but I just feel jittery. Not quite right. Off.
Then there's Faith herself. She kissed me. I could have stopped her, I guess. I didn't though. I'm not sure how I feel about that either. There's something between us. But who knows. Maybe she really is just working her way through A.I. and I'm next on the list, so she's working on me. I can't tell, I'm not normally attracted to girls like her. But then I can't even really remember the last time I was attracted to anybody that wasn't Willow. I don't know. That's the order of the day lately. I don't know.
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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So I guess some vampire attacked Buffy's boyfriend. This means extra patrolling for Faith and I. I've already covered a lot of my area...helps when you can do so on all fours and most things don't even notice you're there. Stealth helps. And I find myself circling back to where she is, tracking her scent. So Jordy's right. She does smell good. I'm still thinking about what he said. Actually, the combination of what Lorne said and what Jordy said. Jordy was talking instincts....and I did my homework on wolves. It just never occurred to me. Wolves for the most part mate for life. I wonder if...with Willow...she was who I was with when I was changed. I wonder if it's the wolf recognizing her as that and that's why I've had so much trouble getting past it.
Or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse that makes me not crazy. Who knows.
Now isn't the time to think about it anyways, I've got things to be doing. Like patrolling. I start following Faith, just off into the shadows, half wondering how long it'll take for her to notice me. I've already been here for two blocks...
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Monday, February 7th, 2005
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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:35 am. |
| Mood: | predatory. |
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So. People are missing. We're left to keep Sunnydale intact and to find the missing people. I've been keeping an eye on all the girls, talked with Xander some. I kind of want him to stay at the Summers house to help keep tabs on everyone. Not to mention the guy's freaked and needs just as much support as they do. Something about his girlfriend recently murdered or something...I feel bad but what can I say really? 'Sorry' is just one of those innefectual things that are words and they never really help. So I just kind of did my silent but there thing with him for a while and I hope it helped. Other than that, I've been keeping an eye on Faith when she goes out, and I called Jordy. Told him what happened, and he's on keeping an eye on Dawn duty...though the kid told me he's been doing that anyways. I was actually pretty proud of him for that. I guess he helped save her recently or something, and staked a vamp to try to save another friend of his. He's a lot more on top of things than I thought he would be. I have to have a chat with him soon, but I've got something to do first. Like track down our little morally ambiguous British uninvited guest that had been at the party. I wouldn't put this past him and I know he's still in town. Easy to track, being he's wandering around town checking places...like Giles's apartment...and now he's taking the cemetary route back...think I'll just have to pop in and say hello.
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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
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I spoke to Lorne, like Fred mentioned what seems like forever ago. I didn't necessarily like what he had to say, but he wasn't a bad guy. I kind of liked him. Problem being what he said. About the things that are coming up soon, things I've got to do, girls I've got to protect. He implied some things about Faith. I'm not sure where that comes from, but whatever. If I'm needed I'll be there. Period. Now for the bullshit that's hit A.I., everything. It's confusing at best, but then I'm not there to figure this stuff out, am I? I'm there to help with the tearing things up, and occasionally being Supportive Guy. It's Wes's call on the rest of this. And so far, I've gained a lot of respect for him. He seems to have figured out what the hell he's doing. So wherever he says I should be, I'll be there.
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Friday, January 14th, 2005
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I've continued to haunt the hotel, not being seen but being around. I have a letter written to Tara, apologizing for my last one and stuff, but I haven't sent it yet. I don't know why. I'm still feeling really off. I don't know. Just...off. Not right. Maybe it's time I actually took Fred's suggestion she made so long ago and see that Lorne guy. I'll take my guitar. Maybe that'd do me some good anyways. May as well, right? What've I got to lose?
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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
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I wasn't there long. I just had to make sure that they were ok. I know, logically, that they were. I just...had to be positive. They were of course. All having their christmas stuff going on. I didn't let anyone know I was there. I didn't want to intrude. Tara might have sensed me around. I think she looked my way when I was outside, watching in the windows (as a wolf of course). I don't think she saw me really, just maybe knew I was there. Felt me there. Or maybe she didn't and I'm just reaching; Hoping she knew. I can't tell anymore. I can't tell a lot of things. I've been really shaken with this last...whatever it was. I've realized a lot of things I'd overlooked before, just not seen or purposely didn't see. either way they're really clear now. I'm not sure where I belong. Again. That's bothering me. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Since I got back I've looked in on everyone. I didn't say I was back. I'm not sure I am. I just wanted to make sure they were ok. I don't know. Faith looks like hell. Maybe I should see if she's ok. I know I'm not.
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Friday, December 17th, 2004
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The dreams...hallucinations...whatever they were, they've stopped. ...But that doesn't mean their effect on me has. It doesn't change anything. I got to see how things are in bright, horrifying color. I need to get out of here for a while. I don't think I can be around...anyone. I know people sort of fell apart here, and maybe they need the help pulling back together again, I just...need time I think. I'm not sure. I don't know anything right this second. I really don't want to do this to people, I just have to. I'll be back as soon as I'm...more stable.
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Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
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| Time: | 6:29 am. |
| Mood: | crushed. |
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Found a cage down here. Dark. Cold. They're still here. I still see it...them...dead...me...I just want it to stop...they'd better be ok...they'd better be ok....they'be better be ok....
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ozwolf's journal
confused.
busy.
okay.
calm.
aggravated.
indescribable.
discontent.
distressed.